Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The important part is to not only make it through the rain, but to realize it's cleansing power. It's healing power. Rejuvenating my world with sparkles and glimmers on my beloved trees and greenery. When you inhale you can smell the rain. It's like earth. Pure, clean earth. The kind you are not afraid to roll around in. Somehow you can sense something that feels a lot like hope in the crack of a sidewalk or a puddle on the ground. There is something to look forward to.
I don't know why the clouds are rolling in right now as i am starting to fall back down again. Jedi said i was happy for almost a month and a half. It's not like i have anything to be ungrateful for either. He has a job, we have food on the table, God is definitely smiling down on us. I just don't have purpose to my life anymore. I live for my husband in any way i can. Until two thirty everyday i sleep as long as i can so i don't have to wait, clean and re-clean the house, bake, try to look flattering for him when he's off work.
I need a better purpose than this. I've applied so many places for work but i don't hear back from any of them. I feel like this is the night before a huge storm. Bad, and on it's way to being worse, but then it should sky rocket.
Don't get me wrong. Jedi is the perfect depression pill. He's the reason for all joy in my life, all laughter in my life, and maybe just my life in general. He is loyal and strong and caring. I could have never asked for anyone better than he. I'm so glad i found him.
It's not Jedi that makes this sad spell come over me. I've just never really been a happy person since i started ninth grade. The world holds little pleasure for me, and the pleasure it offers i cannot think of getting such as two Disneyland tickets or being in a play.
Enough with depressing things and gray heavy clouds over my head. Let it rain. Let it poor. I am still happy in most ways.
The importance of family is hitting me right now. I have an odd sense that I'm not going to be on this earth for as long as most people. I know i don't exactly click with my family, except for my dad. Everyone else i have to work with. I never thought having a relationship with my sister would be so challenging. She is very proper. She doesn't do thing that are "socially unacceptable." So basically she can't understand me. My goofy side. My angry side. I feel as if i must be top notch and chipper around her. Like i can't slip and be myself. I just don't want her to go home to her husband that night and say things about me that are negative. She's kind of my role model. She is what i should have become instead of who i am. But i am who i am.
There is really only one person who understands my many different levels and complexities. Her name is Girl and she lives in my parents backyard.
Second to my dog is my husband, and while he still makes few mistakes he isn't as hairy so i guess he'll do.
I've divided my personality into three basic parts. Sofee is my brain. All logic and reasonable thinking are her area of expertise. Cascade is my body. The instinct and animalistic side to me. She's the rude one, the rebellion that cannot hold her tongue. Then there is Bekah. She's the heart. The raw emotion inside me. She is much like a child.
When you put them into one body they tend to takes sides with each other. For example, if we put Bekah's embarrassment of being over weight with Sofee's logic of not eating at midnight they cancel out Cascade's want for a yummy cupcake. That is probably the most basic form they come in.
Before i go, I must apologize for my ideas not flowing. I haven't written in so long i just had to get it down so it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.
Maybe I'll go to the park tomorrow. I'll think of flowers and animals that talk and I'll be completely safe for a while.
My Dearest Future Husband
My dearest future husband there’s something I have to say
You see, I’m still in high school and I had a real bad day!
I don’t have many friends, and the ones I’ve got don’t like me,
I think they falsely stick around then stab my back to spite me.
My mom and I got in a fight about my college fund
She thinks I’m wasting too much time (like writing my husband!)
If only you were here right now, there’s so much I would say
Or maybe you’d just kiss my lips and tell me it’s okay.
I just can’t help but wonder- how things would be with you,
Maybe I’d never be alone or otherwise feel like pooh.
Just betting on how you’ll love me keeps me sane at night,
And knowing that you’re out there can make me see that light.
So now my future Husband I hope you’re still awake,
Maybe writing you right now was just a big mistake.
Until that blessed day comes know I’m forever yours,
But for now I guess I’ll do my homework and some chores.
I’ve never met you before but how I miss you so,
You could call me crazy (but that I think you know.)
Here is goodbye my beloved, until we finally meet,
I hope that you’ll be charming and sweep me off my feet.
For now, just know I always am thinking of you dear:
Same as I always do and I’ll wish that you were here.
Perhaps I’ll get some sleep now, since I’m not on my own.
And hope that you will do the same, sleep with me all alone.
If I could tell you how much I love you,
I’d put it into words,
I’d tell you.
I’d sing it to the world every day too,
I’d sing it to the birds,
Sing to you.
I’d stand on top of roofs and on mountains,
I’d shout to the heavens
Just for you.
I’d Gurgle in pools, in every fountain,
I’d babble in the seven,
“Yes I do!”
If I could express my feelings for you,
I’d leave nothing unheard,
“I Love You!”
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I'm posting I'm posting! Golly Gee!
We're doing alright. Hanging on every dollar and we're probably going to be short this month by 120 bucks or so but HEY!
It's weird to really feel "hungry."
I've been looking for a job like crazy but first i think we need to get me a new lap top. I'll sell this one because it isn't a bad one it just doesn't have the best processor.
Jedi's birthday was "the best he's ever had" so I guess that is a good thing. Ew i am married to an old man.
Rebekah and Jedi