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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Night Before Rain Fall

There is something about rain makes my heart sing no matter what mood i am in. I guess it is just that water that is so applicable to my life. A dark side is always associated because of the cold wetness of it all. The dark clouds can cover the sun- the only bright object in the distance that now casts shadows on the pavement. The pavement that you are forced to look at because the cold dirty sprinkles are threatening their way in your eyes and leave crusty marks on your face when they dry.
The important part is to not only make it through the rain, but to realize it's cleansing power. It's healing power. Rejuvenating my world with sparkles and glimmers on my beloved trees and greenery. When you inhale you can smell the rain. It's like earth. Pure, clean earth. The kind you are not afraid to roll around in. Somehow you can sense something that feels a lot like hope in the crack of a sidewalk or a puddle on the ground. There is something to look forward to.
I don't know why the clouds are rolling in right now as i am starting to fall back down again. Jedi said i was happy for almost a month and a half. It's not like i have anything to be ungrateful for either. He has a job, we have food on the table, God is definitely smiling down on us. I just don't have purpose to my life anymore. I live for my husband in any way i can. Until two thirty everyday i sleep as long as i can so i don't have to wait, clean and re-clean the house, bake, try to look flattering for him when he's off work.
I need a better purpose than this. I've applied so many places for work but i don't hear back from any of them. I feel like this is the night before a huge storm. Bad, and on it's way to being worse, but then it should sky rocket.
Don't get me wrong. Jedi is the perfect depression pill. He's the reason for all joy in my life, all laughter in my life, and maybe just my life in general. He is loyal and strong and caring. I could have never asked for anyone better than he. I'm so glad i found him.
It's not Jedi that makes this sad spell come over me. I've just never really been a happy person since i started ninth grade. The world holds little pleasure for me, and the pleasure it offers i cannot think of getting such as two Disneyland tickets or being in a play.

Enough with depressing things and gray heavy clouds over my head. Let it rain. Let it poor. I am still happy in most ways.

The importance of family is hitting me right now. I have an odd sense that I'm not going to be on this earth for as long as most people. I know i don't exactly click with my family, except for my dad. Everyone else i have to work with. I never thought having a relationship with my sister would be so challenging. She is very proper. She doesn't do thing that are "socially unacceptable." So basically she can't understand me. My goofy side. My angry side. I feel as if i must be top notch and chipper around her. Like i can't slip and be myself. I just don't want her to go home to her husband that night and say things about me that are negative. She's kind of my role model. She is what i should have become instead of who i am. But i am who i am.
There is really only one person who understands my many different levels and complexities. Her name is Girl and she lives in my parents backyard.
Second to my dog is my husband, and while he still makes few mistakes he isn't as hairy so i guess he'll do.
I've divided my personality into three basic parts. Sofee is my brain. All logic and reasonable thinking are her area of expertise. Cascade is my body. The instinct and animalistic side to me. She's the rude one, the rebellion that cannot hold her tongue. Then there is Bekah. She's the heart. The raw emotion inside me. She is much like a child.
When you put them into one body they tend to takes sides with each other. For example, if we put Bekah's embarrassment of being over weight with Sofee's logic of not eating at midnight they cancel out Cascade's want for a yummy cupcake. That is probably the most basic form they come in.
Before i go, I must apologize for my ideas not flowing. I haven't written in so long i just had to get it down so it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.
Maybe I'll go to the park tomorrow. I'll think of flowers and animals that talk and I'll be completely safe for a while.

1 comment:

  1. . . . .I don't care which personality thing you're in hun, Sofee, Cascade, and Bekah are still among my very favorite people. period. :):) luv jou- smile and be happy:):):D:D:D